areyoulistening

There are few things worse than walking into a bar and watching a karaoke guy set up his shit. You think you’re just going to watch some of the Yankee game or whatever and all of the sudden a 56 year old woman wearing a Fuschia Puffy shirt is singing Gloria Estefan songs in your ear.

The bar I went to last night was Fogarty’s in Bronxville and I got hit over the head with a few things. The first person that I spoke to was a guy named Franklin that stunk of Noxema. It turns out it was not Noxema, it was Vaseline. I knew this because he offered me a roll of film. The Vaseline was for his new tatoo which I can only assume was a picture of a naked chick washing a fire truck. It turns out he needed the canister that rolls of film come in to put the Vaseline in. I guess those little travel sized Vaseline jars were just too much for him to handle.

A little while after that, an older guy came to the bar and told Mike about how painful passing his kidney stone was. He went into a story about how the doctor put a Q-Tip (Phone is ringing…Oh my God) into the business end of his dick and rotated it. He said he didn’t think that it was all that painful and it made me wonder about the size of his penis hole, which in turn made me picture his penis with a big penis hole…so that sort of sucked for awhile. He did admit that passing the stone was quite painful and said he was ready to, “Announce that it was a boy.”

Right before I left, Mike introduced me to a girl named Toejam. However, she was really Earl. But I can understand how you could get the two mixed up.

Before I went to the bar, I helped my father take the cover off the pool which is one of the top five worst things to do in the fucking universe. I think it’s right before getting a Q-Tip (Breath and Stop. For real, show me what ya got.) stuck in your wanghole and right after being a Nickelback fan. Anyhow, the issue with taking the cover off the pool is that the cover itself is about 10 times too big for the little pool we have and so it sinks into the half empty pool and fills with leaves and water. The leaves sit in the water and create a black slug that smells like someone filled a whale with diarrhea and garlic, let it sit in the sun for a month and stabbed it. When we attempt to pull the cover off the pool (which is situated way too close to the deck at certain points because we had to rebuild the pool a few years ago and neither of us had any fucking clue how to do so) the sludge and water jumps up at us, gets on our clothes and yesterday I got some in my mouth. I spit right away and we had to stop for a few minutes because my Dad was laughing so hard. He said,

“I think I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen you spit.”

“Well, I don’t get disgusting, shit-smelling leaves in my mouth very often,” I replied.

To which he said, “What do you want from the pizza place?”

I didn’t answer and we went back to pulling the cover off. We spent a few minutes telling each other what we thought the water and leaves smelled like and decided low tide at City Island was probably the most accurate.

To be honest, it was the easiest taking the cover off the pool has ever been. I did notice that my father will touch anything without thinking about it. He would grab handfulls of disgusting wet leaves and branches and just stuff in a garbage bag. A few years ago there was a dead squirrel in the pool and he just bent down, grabbed it and threw it away. A dead squirrel that had been floating in black water for the entire winter. He didn’t hesitate for a second. What if his fur came off and his skin was all fucking wet and gooey? He didn’t care. Jesus Christ.

I heard some of the new Weezer album the other day and it sucks. The single is pretty stupid also. It’s called “Pork and Beans,” which should send up a red flag right away. The chorus contains the line “I don’t give a hoot about what you think.” There is another song where Rivers Cuomo just lists the bands that he likes alot and references popular music of the last 20 years. He is also allowing himself to be photographed wearing a cowboy hat, a shirt that makes him look fat and a mustache…which is very sad. Their last album kind of sucked also. The Blue Album and Pinkerton were so good for such different reasons that it makes me sad that they have become what they are now.

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