areyoulistening

There is this guy at work that sits across from me and he is one of the most annoying people on the planet. He is about 4 foot 11 on a good day and makes somewhere in the neighborhood of 489 personal phone calls a day. I don’t think it is unprofessional or anything like that-I just hate what he talks about. He’ll put on these funny little voices (one of them reminds me of the one Uncle Joey used to do from Full House…the woodchuck one, you know?)  and he very rarely says “Hello,” it’s usually “Greetings!” or some dumb ass shit. From there he’ll go on to talking about old Mickey Mouse cartoons with people (Don’t get me wrong, I love Mickey and all…but come on, pal), the price of things, broadway shows or my favorite was when he was attempting to move out of his parent’s place.

“Mom, I need you to stay at the apratment until the couch comes. You know I can’t, I have my duties here at the paper! I know you have the time to take off! Golly!”

Everyday around 10:30 am or so, he starts calling all the kosher places (Come on, you had to know that was coming)  in the area and asks what kind of soup they have that day. He eats soup even when it is 100 degrees out, so he clearly has issues.

When Lost had new episodes on, he would come over to me and talk about the show. He would ask:

“Did you see Lost last night?”

I would say:

“No, I don’t watch that show.”

He would go on to explain to me what had been going on up until last night’s show and what the lastest episode was like. I would sprinkle the conversation with sayings like:

“I literally have never seen the show once, ” or “I don’t know any of the characters names. I know as a group that they are lost…that is it.”

At the end of last summer, he asked me if I liked Dave Barry and I said that I really, really, really hated him. He looked surprised at first, but went on to read me the thought of the day from his little Dave Barry calendar. I’m sure it had something to do with how hard it is to work a cell phone or how he never stops to ask directions when his lost and it pisses off his fat wife. For a month, I had the Dave Barry thought of the day (it was usually the previous day) sitting on my chair waiting for me. 

In the last few months, he has started performing little magic tricks for the office. They usually have something to with making four quarters turn into a silver dollar or making poker chips appear to change color or disappear. For the most part, he is performing tricks that someone who lived in the Wild West during the Gold Rush would appreciate. The most uncomfortable part is when he screws it up or drops it on the floor in the middle of the trick and says:

“Oh, I just do it for the kids. Myself being the biggest kid in the world!”

He also lacks the ability to realize when a conversation is over. He lurks around looking at you after telling you all about the deleted scenes from “The Pricess Bride” movie as you attempt to give the old “Well, back to work” look. Just today he asked me if I wanted ear plugs because they are doing drilling on our floor. I fake laughed and said no. He stood there for at least 15 seconds…saying nothing. I wanted to skin myself alive.

He doesn’t mean to be annoying, but some of the most annoying people never intend to be that way. In fact, I guess at some point I said something about liking the Onion to him, so now he hand delivers the Onion to me every Wednesday. It is a nice gesture, but nice gestures done by people that get under skin end up being…well annoying. The thought of the Onion now makes me think of this guy, so I’m going to have to say something to him about it. I don’t want to hate the Onion because he hands it to me with his grubby, little matzo ball soup covered hands, you know?

Late last week may have been the final straw for my patience with him. He comes up to my desk and says:

“Have you heard they’re moving us to the other side of the building?”

“I heard the were thinking about it,”  I said through clenched teeth.

“Yeah, it looks like we’re going on the other side of those glass doors and the web people are moving here,” he said with the smile of person that is just asking to get hit over the head with a stapler.

“I guess that makes sense, ” I answered looking at my cell phone pretending I was getting a text message.

There was a good amount of silence until he perked up with, “Yup, I hear it could be done by July.”

“Oh yeah, who told you that?” I said and I was a little interested at that point.

Apparently that is exactly the question he wanted me to ask because as soon as I asked it, there was smile on his fat face from ear to ear. He looked from side to side and said:

“I can’t say. I can’t tell you where this information is coming from.”

“Are you serious? What for? You know what, I don’t care. Just let me…are you done? Is that it with this little bit here?” I said feeling like an idiot.

He smiled, turned and walked the walk of a very short person. As he waddled away I began to wonder,”Did I just get played?” We’ll see what his next move is, but if he doesn’t play his cards right he could see his “Dave Barry Thought of the Day” calender suddenly in his ass.

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