areyoulistening

It’s always weird when you go away somewhere and their Fox channel isn’t Fox 5, it’s like Fox 76 or some shit. It just makes sense that the major networks are 2, 4, 5 and 7, you know? All close together living in the same television neighborhood, no the same television building. No wonder these other areas in America are all off kilter, they spend most of their times trying to memorize what channel is what. UPN 87, come on!

My sister gets the magazine “Cosmo” and I always end up thumbing through it for one reason or another (mad hot chicks on the covers, brah). Anyway, they always have articles like “43 Hot New Sex Postions That Will Blow His Mind! (Plus 4 That Will Really Get Your Motor Running!), which seems like, “43 ‘new’ sex positions, really? I mean, okay you got me.” I can only assume that there 39 sex positions that only men will like and 4 that women will like.  Even better are the “Find Your Man’s G Spot!” (Yes, they have one too!). Yeah, it’s called his fucking dick, idiots! Do sexy things to a man’s penis and you won’t need a magazine to tell you to do so. I know what to do with a dick…wait, what?

 I like Esquire magazine (even though I think I really just like what the magazine used to be back in the day but I digest). However, they have a monthly feature called “10 Things You Don’t Know About Women” and it is pretty awful. I can think of a whole lot more than 10! Am I right guys? All I want to do is watch the game and she wants to go Applebee’s or something, am I right? No, but I love women. The thing about women is…okay, I’ll stop.

The Esquire thing, right. They have a guest woman writer make up a list of their “10 Things” in each issue. This month’s gems were provided by a woman by the name of Andea Savage who will be onscreen with Will Ferrell screaming at her in Step Brothers:

1. Wedding rings need to be sparkly to remind us not to have sex with other people. (Well Andrea, sex needs to be sparkly to remind men not to have sex with other women)

2. Completely shaving your genitals does not make them look bigger. It just makes you look gayer. (Gayer as a negative term in a national magazine, huh? All class Andrea, all class)

3. And if you do shave it all off, fair warning is essential. Otherwise, it’s as startling as a hairless cat jumping out of your pants. And no one looks sexy being startled in the nude. (I got nothing here)

4. Murdering someone because he snores should be admissible in a court of law. (Shut the fuck up)

5. We hate baby showers as much as you assume a sane person would. (If that were true, which it doesn’t appear to be, than wouldn’t there be fewer baby showers?)

6. After being married, hearing “You’re hot!” from a total stranger means a hundred times more than hearing it from your husband. (Well, that just makes me feel all warm and soft on the inside! If hearing “You’re hot” from vagrants on the street is so meaningful to you, who is to say giving blow jobs to some jerk that told you he liked your eyes isn’t next! Huh, who says it isn’t?)

7. If teenage boys knew that no matter what they look like, knowing how to dance will get them laid at every wedding they attend in their twenties, cotillions would be wait-list only. (She may right about this one)

8. We don’t understand your fascination with boobs, but we’re happy you have it. (I mean, I feel like most women do get why men like boobs)

9. A rebound relationship has only one true purpose: Just be interesting enough to keep me from having sex with my ex. (Again, you act like you’re calling like it is but it just makes you seem shallow, Andrea)

10. We love that you are reading this to learn more about us. You’re adorable. (Oh you!)

I don’t know who Andrea Savage is but I can only assume she is Macho Man Randy Savage’s daughter (Man, I would love to see his “10 Things” list) and I don’t mean to attack just her here on this. It is really the magazine’s fault because every month the lists are basically the same type shit.  You know “Don’t leave the toilet seat up,” “Close your eyes when you kiss me,” and “Don’t sweat on me when we make love” type stuff. So Andrea, I know you’re reading this, don’t take it to heart. That would be so gay of you.