areyoulistening

Everytime you put money into a jukebox you’re putting yourself out there. People will see you insert the money and know that the next few songs that come out were chosen by you. It really sucks when the jukebox isn’t playing any music, but they got some radio on or something and the first song you pick comes booming over the speakers. This happend to me recently and the first song I choose was Britney Spear’s “Toxic.” Shut the fuck up–it’s a good song. I just wish I hadn’t picked it to play first, you know?

You have to know how to play it, you have to keep it mind what kind of bar you’re in and all that type stuff. If you want to look cool, The Clash is a pretty safe bet (Although I would shy away from “Should I Stay or Should I Go”–it is a good song, but come on) and you won’t piss anyone off by playing the Ramones (I don’t think anyway), I would say there are a few Biggie songs that people can’t argue with and Jay Z will usually go over pretty well. Again, you have to feel out the crowd (you can also decide to piss off the people in the bar by playing shit like “How Bazzar” or anything by Kid Rock) and hope you can find a good balance for the ungrateful, cheap bastards.

There a few songs I never want to fucking hear again at a bar. Here are some I can think of right now, please feel free to add to the list:

“Hotel California” by The Eagles-The Eagles fucking suck, man.

Anything, and I mean anything, by Led Zeppelin.

“Fight For Your Right” by the Beastie Boys-No more.

“Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond-This song is played at Fenway Park every 7th inning of a Red Sox game. That is reason enough, but it also sucks on its own. Sure it can be fun to do the “Boston Sucks!” part instead of the “oh, oh, oh,” but sometimes it is just not worth it.

“American Pie” by Don McClean-This is one of those songs people think they have an emotional attachment to, but no one fucking does. “Drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry?” Shut the fuck up…”The day the music died?” Stop trying to create nostalgia, you asshole.

“O.P.P” by Naughty BY Nature (Not ’cause I hatcha)-I know, I know…I listened to it on the bus during the class trips also, but come one. No more. That’s it…let it go.

“Ice, Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice– I was going to lump O.P.P and this one together, but then I had a vision of annoying girls singing everyword to this song when some dickface puts it on the jukebox. They hunch over and start moving their feet around while they sing “Alright, stop, collaborate and listen,” We all know the words. For real, every person in this bar knows that part of the song. You are not being cute; you are being sad and annoying. Stop it.

“Jump Around” by House of Pain-Holy shit, do I hate this song. Another song people my age think is cute to know all the words to. Watching a group of people actually jump around when this song is on will make you question what exactly life is for.

“November Rain” by Guns N Roses–Honestly, everytime I hear this song at a bar I am amazed. I am amazed people are still searching for this song in Jukeboxes. I guess you have to blame the bars too. I know people play alot of GNR and I’d rather hear any other one of their songs besides this one even “Welcome to the Jungle.”

“Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen–I know there are people out there that think this song was written for them and all, but do that shit on your own time, pal. If I see one more slightly chubby, sweaty guy sing the line “You ain’t a beauty but hey you’re alright” to his ugly girlfriend one more time–I’m going to gut someone. And there are times the girl sings it too! Listen to the words, sweetheart. We may have to go ahead and put the kiebash on all Bruce songs until further notice.

“Piano Man” by Billy Joel–Fuck you.

“All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun” by Sheryl Crow–Playing this song will set back your ability to actually have any fun a great deal.

“Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd–First of all, if you play this song–you are a racist. Second of all, this is New York–cut the shit. This song sucks, you can’t argue that.

“Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey–Biggest asshole song of all time. Am I mad at the Sopranos for the way they ended the show? No, but I am furious with them that they included this song in the ending. Now you got every half-assed Italian kid liking this song again. How can anyone convince themselves that they are enjoying themselves when this song is on?

“Paradise By the Dashboard Lights” by Meatloaf–The song is like 1o minutes long and it is about Meatloaf trying to talk some poor girl into having sex with his gross penis. By the middle of the song, the guy is basically committing date rape. If you think about Meatloaf plowing some girl, looking at the lights of the dashboard and equating that with some type of paradise, you will never be the same again.

“The Summer of 69″ by Bryan Adams–”Those were the best years of my life” Bryan, I really wish you went into roofing or siding, which is exactly what you look like you should have done.

“Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd–Just, I mean, there really is so much you can say here. Do you know how many assholes think the line, “‘Cause I’m as free as a bird” is just so liberating?Actually, if they feel that way about this song they don’t even know liberating is a word. Again, these guys are racist assholes.

“Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks–You know what the worst part of this song is?? Do you? I’ll tell you, it seems the jukeboxes only have the version where there is some extra hidden verse that Garth Brooks take 5 minutes to introduce. Also…I’ve never not heard the live version! Why do we have to be reminded of the factthat there are 100,000 people willing to part with their money to see Garth Brooks live? Hey remember that whole Chris Gaines thing he did? What a wannabe.

“Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison–Another one of those songs people act like is their favorite shit whenever when it’s on. When this song comes on, it is time to go. 

Trackback URI | Comments RSS