areyoulistening

On Saturday night at Delancy Bar, my friend Mike brought something to my attention…about 5 or 6 times. He pointed out that there were three bachelorette parties at the bar. He was saying stuff like “The city is dead” and “It’s all over.” I don’t know if I totally agree with him but he is on the right track.

You know what will push this city over the edge, what will knock it down to just another city like Philadelphia or Boston? If scenes like the one at the Delancy Bar on Saturday night continue to be played out from Soho to the Upper East Side. You see it is these groups of shrieking women that react in a positive manner when “Pour Some Sugar On Me” or “Livin’ On A Prayer” is played by a dingbat DJ that will pull down the city.

The group always shows up with basically the same cast of characters. There is the bride, dressed with a veil with tiny little dicks hanging from her head (How the fuck did this get started?), she is usually wearing a white tee shirt, sometimes a wife beater (I’m serious) so that her dopey friends can write shit like, “Last night out!” “Fuck me!” or “I love blow jobs!” on it. Sometimes she is also forced to drink her cocktails with a straw that has a dick on the end of it.

Her best friend comes in behind her woooing and screaming, saying stuff like “Shit, yeah! Shots for the bride!” She is responsible for making sure the bride gets totally shithoused.

Somewhere in the group is the wacky aunt that dances like she is trying not lose her balance on a sinking ship. A sinking ship, that is a good way to describe alot of the evenings I’ve seen these bachelorette take part in. They all seemed to be trying to work quick.

The worst part about being around these people is that they usually have some kind of retarded game they’re playing. Sometimes they ask you if you have a condom (I think its part of a scavenger hunt)  and other times they ask you to eat a lifesaver off their shirt. No for real, they have lifesavers attached to their shirt and ask other human beings to eat them off them…and men do it because most people are fucking brain dead. Mix in her other friends and you have a good section of the bar being dominated by a group of people that are totally clueless. 

Don’t get me wrong, bachelor parties can be just as gay. I was just on one but we didn’t pull some of the shit other groups try to pull. If you go to places like New Orleans or Las Vegas, you’ll see lots of guys on bachelor party trips. You can usually pick them out by the fact that they are all wearing the same made up tee shirts: “Marty’s Last Stand! 2008! Drinkin’ Like Crazy!” They can usually be heard quoting Borat and screaming “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” These guys are as much a cancer on big cities as the girls are, so this is not an attack on women. This is an attack on stupidity dressed as having a night out or a good time.

So the next time you are invited to one of these things, stop and think: Do I want to be seen with dicks hanging from my head? Do I want a picture of a strange man biting a red lifesaver off my left breast? Do I want to be remembered for wearing that Borat bathing suit to the pool? If you have any kind of brain activity whatsoever, you will answer no to all these questions. Just go out with your friends and enjoy yourself the way you have for years with them. They’re your friends for a reason and they don’t need bells and whistles to have a good time with you.

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