areyoulistening

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Look familiar? That right there is last thing you will recall before you slip into a life questioning coma. It is from a Nyquil ad in this month’s Rolling Stone. I have spoken about the intense mystical powers that Nyquil has in the past but this ad really caught my eye. First of all, below this picture (I’ll get to the terrifying images that appear to be on the bottom of that little cap in a minute) in the ad appear the lines: “Sweet dreams. Sweeter tomorrow. Even with a cold.” I call bullshit on that right now. There have been many a night I attempted to chase the neon green dragon in hopes of getting some sleep while I couldn’t breath or had a fever; whatever cold symptom that was bringing me down and had no relief. Some nights I would wake up a bunch of times all night long in between mind bending altercations with giant candy corns or human being sized staplers. Other times it was the whispers of the dead that refuse to let me rest.

Take a second and look at the actual picture again. What the fuck are those two little faces supposed to be? I’ll tell you what they are: those are the two bastards that will be chasing you down in your sleep attempting to devour your soul. Go ahead. Take a stab at it and explain to me what that is supposed to be.  The best explanation will be entered into a drawing to win a case of Moxie cola…the cola with moxie.

Below the tagline is this little selling point: “That way you can enjoy a good night’s sleep, and wake up tomorrow ready for your vacation, staycation or whatever the day brings.” You better hope your broke ass is on “staycation” because your motorskills are going to be shot. As far as using Nyquil to get to sleep before you go on vacation, I have attempted this many times. Be careful; you could take some Nyquil the night before and by the time you wake up the next day, you’re on a boat in the middle of the Pirates of Caribbean or “Letting it Ride” with 2,6,Queen.

 If I were to open a greek diner in Queens, I would name it Apopalypse Now.  

I think the devil may be deaf because I have attempted to sell my soul a few times and he just refuses to show up.

I don’t mind being nice to the elderly but I do mind when they expect the world to be handed to them on a platter. Will I give you my seat on the bus? Yes, but don’t make old people faces at me beacuse I didn’t get up quick enough because I’m reading something because I have a job and can still contribute to society.

The other day I went into the bathrooms at Grand Central to pee before I got on the train. I went to go into the handicap stall because as everyone knows people love to go to the bathroom there so it was a mob scene in there.  I pushed open the door and there was a man sitting on the toilet doing the doo. He looked at me and I at him; he made a weird face and said, “I’m in here!”

I said “Lock the door.”

To which he replied, “I’m handicapped!”

I shot back, “So you can’t lock doors?”

He didn’t respond because he got burnt.

Moral of this blog: I’m onto you Nyquil, watch out greek diner owners with hilarious names, listen up “the devil” and the elderly and handicapped have to step it up.

The Starbuck’s Cafe at the Barnes and Noble in White Plains is set up like every other Starbuck’s you’ve seen in a Barnes and Noble. There are a few tables and chairs strewn about that suggest “Hey, dudes. Listen broseph, pump some Fall Out on your tricked out iPod, grab a Venti, double shot, soy vanilla machachinto and fucking get some of that Pysch. homework done.” There are also some more comfortable style chairs up against the backwall by the coffee bar that seem to whisper “Go ahead, close your eyes, take a little nap.” At least that is what I thought they were saying. Apparently they suggested to the old guy sitting next to me to go get the latest issue of Penthouse Forum at 1:45 on a Thursday afternoon and find out what is sexy. There really isn’t anything you can say to a man that thinks something like that is kosher.

Sneaker shopping with your parents when you’re a kid was really just awful. Most of the time you end of getting some weird pair of sneakers that kind of resemble what the other kids are wearing and not what you really wanted. It was a toasty 114 degrees in whatever store you ended up at on Central Ave. She always made you try them on; than your head gets hot and itchy and you end tearing off your winter jacket in a fit of rage. I did get those Jordan’s that had the 23 on the side one year for Christmas and I didn’t have to try them on or or sit through a car ride listening to Hall and Oates on PLJ. You know something, that was the greatest gift of all.

There is a Korova Milk Bar in White Plains now. I went to the one on Ave A a few times and it was always something at that place. One time we went and a crew of lesbians rolled into the bar and took took over the joint. They were in the Men’s room making out and doing what lesbians do to each other’s lady parts. At one point, they were hanging from the God damn ceiling and foaming at the mouth. I went to use the men’s room, you know to pee like your supposed to do and they pushed me out of the bathroom. They wouldn’t allow a man to pee in the men’s because they wanted to live out some cracked out fantasy that invloved making out while smelling urine and sweat. I think Pete Master went in and used it anyway…which reminds me, those same lesbians were outside the bar later playing catch with a football (fact: lesbian always have a football with them when they travel in a group) and one of them threw a perfect spiral right at Pete’s chest and he dropped it. He has yet to recover mentally.

Last night at Blue Moon in Bronxville, Darren ate a burrito the size of a skateboard…well half of it anyway.

At this point with the way things are in the world, so many uncertainties, so much social unrest and economical instability, I think it would be best if the creator of the Garfield comic strip killed off Garfield.

It felt like Christmas today in New York…hold on a second. Don’t start throwing chairs at me and shit because I mentioned Christmas before Thanksgiving even gets here. You are not funny or observant in anyway if you say things like, “As soon as Halloween is over, they roll out the Christmas stuff!” Just shut the fuck up, okay? You are not breaking new ground here. Dave Barry, who is just awful in everyway has already addressed this matter. He also made sure to talk about how traffic sucks, lollipops can be sticky and how teens think they know it all (check out his website http://www.davebarry.com/)

Back to the way New York felt like Christmas today, it was cold out and it was nice to know Christmas was coming. There were guys in overcoats doing the “cold New Yorker” thing that office types love to do, women had shopping bags and homeless people lied on the ground with an extra bit of ”I wish I were dead” look in there flithy, bloodshot eyes. It kind of made me wonder where the ducks go when the Central Park lake freezes over but that is just too gay…even for me. Or is it?

I watched the Royal Tenenbaums in one of my classes today and everyone seemed to like it quite a bit. However, you know the part where Richie is shaving his face after he has cut off all his hair and he whispers “I’m going to kill myself today”? It is a very dark scene and I guess the class had been used to laughing at some of the other scenes that made them uncomfortable so they laughed. The laughter came to a hault once the blood started to pour all over the place. We watched the movie because we read three stories from JD Salinger’s ‘Nine Stories’ and because it’s fun to watch movies in a classroom, isn’t it? Anyhow, the movie borrows a lot from different Salinger stories. In fact, one of the characters from ‘Down at the Dinghy’ last name is Tenenbaum. She is actually Seymour Glass’ sister who is in ’A Perfect Day for Bananafish.’ This is all great to read I’m sure but there is going to be a slew of students coming out area community colleges that will be forced to read Salinger because of me. So…go screw.

Anyone else willing to step on a puppy’s neck to never see that “Saved by zero” commerical?

Also, optimum online triple play? Take it down a notch. It’s like a Puerto Rican Sesame Street or something…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Haley Joel Osment looks like his head got bigger but his eyes, nose and mouth stayed the same size.

I was never really hit as a kid. Once in awhile my mother would tell me to “Come here so I can pull your hair.” However, nowadays some kids need to shut the fuck up.

It’ll be years before they figure out another place to stick things in pornos.

Just thinking about how there are giant bugs in jungles and shit creeps me the f out. We got regular sized bugs over here and they can mean business but to have a God damn creepy crawly the size of a pizza pie walking around? I can’t go for that. Noooo. No can do.

I had to go up to the Westchester campus to fill out paper work for next semester and walked past a science lab. What di I see?15 cats on a lab table split in half like so many coconuts on a sandy beach. That’s right; Butterscotch and Professor Whiskers were cut open and being worked on like that weird older kid in your neighborhood used to do on old VWs. However, there is a happy ending to all of this. I walked past a pet shop and saw two little kittens sleeping on a little cushion together. So I felt better about things. It taught me a lesson about life:  even though we will all end up on a lab table split in half, we will get to snuggle up at some point.

The band “The Offspring” are offensive to all five senses.

I wish Frank Caleindo would do an imitation of the invisble man…being really, really, really, quiet.

What exactly is going on in the show Lost?

Give a child a camera and they will return with a wide variety of awful, awful pictures to show you.

Buses stop way too often in Manhattan. Every two blocks is absurd. Why do they stop so often you may ask yourself? Former Mayor Koch. In fact, you can blame Koch for upwards of 75% of New York City’s annoyances.

White chocolate tastes funny.

I just realized that it is almost that time of year when Home Alone and Home Alone 2 will be on maaaaaaaad times!

Richie Valens was a lot chubbier than Lou Diamond Phillips was when he played him. I fear I like Lou Diamond Philps more than Richie Valens,

One thing I learned by moving out is I love to chop vegatables…I do miss the cats though so it’s a trade off.