areyoulistening

Gucamole and muffins are both grossly overpriced.

…and another thing about muffins, when you get a muffin somewhere just eat the fucking thing, okay? Lets not turn this into a whole thing over here. I understand that there are people that think they’re the only ones that eat the top first but get your head out of the clouds. Everyone does that shit. Muffins are really nothing more than miniature cakes; somewhere along the way they convinced people that they were good for them. They’re in the pastry family. You think because they have blueberries or carrot in them that they’re good for you? Come on, don’t be childish.Want to hear something scary? Most muffins have over 4,500 calories per serving. That is a fact; you cannot dispute that.

…and gucamole? You ever go to a Mexican restaurant and they ask you if you want gucamole with your chips? First of all, of course I fucking do. Everyone wants gucamole; at times it can be the single strongest force in the universe (Don’t question me on this one). So they wheel out some cart, carve up some avocado and other stuff and charge you $18. Don’t do that, okay? Don’t bother asking me if I want gucamole if you are going to hit me over the head for 18 pesos. People who really, really like gucamole tend to be boring and very talkative especially about their love of gucamole. AND ANOTHER THING!!!! Telling people you make really great gucamole as small talk at a party or something is as bad an offense as one can commit. In a world where so much is uncertain, do you honestly think anyone cares/believes even for a second that you can make gucamole?

When you think about it, I mean really take a step back and think about it, muffins and gucamole have caused as much trouble and strife in this world as anything else has. Maybe Obama will do something about this too.

Insane topic shift… 

There is a store on First Ave called “Love Saves the Day” and it is closing. It was the kind of place that charged $50 for an Ultimate Warrior wrestling toy because he has on some limited edition trunks or something. They also had old postcards that people actually sent to other people, old packs of baseball cards and that type of stuff. I’m not going to get all “You can’t have anything nice” on you here but I would just like to say that I used to like that store quite abit and went there pretty often at a certain point in my life. It was a few stores down from the Pommes Frites place and we’d often to come all the way down from the Bronx just for the fries and we usually took a look in “Love Saves the Day”. Bon Voyage “Love Saves the Day” I’ll most likely never think about you again but don’t take it to heart.

In New York City there are alot of homeless people. Agreed? I just don’t want to go into this whole thing if you don’t agree with me on this. I mean it would be pointless if you read that first line and didn’t agree with me. But if we’re on the same page here, we can move forward on this. Okay…I’m going to go ahead and write.

Just like bugs and monsters, there are many different types of homeless people. I encountered my least favorite type of homeless person today going downtown on the 1 with Mike. I’m not sure where he got on but as soon as he got on the train, I knew we had a free radical on board. He was the type of homeless person that didn’t look homeless right away. He wasn’t all “Pigeon Lady” from Home Alone 2, ya know? Those types are easy to spot and usually keep to themselves; this guy was reading the Times. A lady with a carriage was getting off where he got on and that threw him off. He had trouble deciding which way to go to avoid walking into them (This doesn’t make you homeless or crazy because if it did I’d be sleeping on the steps of St Patrick’s and eating half-eaten Whoppers out of the garbage).

He sat down and opened up his paper (The paper was all over the road. It drives me crazy when someone doesn’t hold the paper correctly when they are reading it. Keep it tight.) After a few seconds, he began repeating the same word to himself. It was some word that started with a Z and he would get louder as he kept saying. He would read a few words from a page and at one point, he fell asleep for a few seconds. It was pretty clear that this guy could be pushed to the edge at any moment. When guys like that snap and decide this world is no longer of use to them, they seek out jerks like me to punish.

I’ll take the homeless person that smells like piss or the guy that warns you about the dracula aliens that are living in the Empire State Building any day of the week. At least I know what I’m getting with those types; the guy on the train today could have done anything. You can’t relax when you got that type of dude a few seats from you on a subway car. I’d rather have a guy wearing bags on his feet or socks on his hands tell me that penguins don’t have shadows than a well read, tightly wound bastard falling asleep for a few seconds at a time in between yelling fits. I like my homeless people to have been driven so mad by life on the streets that they no longer have anything to prove.

The homeless are like annoying children or pets; you can’t just murder them because someone is bound to get upset with you. We live in a crazy world

There are a ton of slang words out there for all the different types of people and various things people do. You know, a donkey is an Irish person straight off the boat, a kike is a bad word for a jewish person and the big guy: the N word. Of course there is also the donkey punch or the dirty sanchez which very stupid people seem to think is funny. However, there are plenty out there that people don’t even know about yet and some of them involve more than just race or naked people. Here are a few:

worm walker: is a term for a British woman that is attempting to walk off “pins and needles”

yellow haired needle eater: Usually a small child that is hard to get to sit still

one haired chicken fuck: an overzealous salesperson

a thirsty nit picker: an elderly person that walks up and down grocery isles for hours at a time without putting anything in their cart

a dragon wagon: A car filled with drunk people on their way to score acid

a hot dog vending punching bag: a gay dude in a frat bar

ziti slicer: a half Italian male that has yet to pass a math class for college credit

cherrio soup: what it looks in a toilet after an asian person has thrown up

screwdriver hands: a puerto rican man that has had his hands removed and replaced with screwdrivers (usually phillips head..what..what!!!)

four-eyed whimsical nanny poop: a Harry Potter fan over the age of 33

a cup of tea by the bay: to have a sexual encounter in between ferry arrivals at a port of call

Okay…I think these are funny, brah.

Tonight at the bus stop on the QCC campus, I ended up standing next to a chubby freshman. He kept stretching his fat neck out to see if the bus he was waiting for was coming around the corner. Every six or seven seconds he’d whine “Coooommmeee onnnnnn!” to himself but loud enough for me to overhear. I was kind of happy that he was standing next to me because I like stuff like that. Here is a guy who has trouble dealing with the fact that his bus does not simply appear at the stop at the same exact moment as his fat ass.

Finally his bus (which happen to be my bus) pulled around the corner and we both walked toward where the bus comes to a full stop. There was a decent line and so we had to wait to get on the bus. This did not go over well with McCloud. He was now moaning “Coooommmme on people! Come on!” We finally got on the bus and now he was pissed that he didn’t have a seat. “Of course, of course, no seat,” he whimpered as he tried to fit his wallet back into the back pocket of his size 56 Levi’s.

We’ve all been there; we’ve all wanted to do some unexplainable act of violence to someone or something for irrational reasons. I think the problem may lie with people who act like they have never had these feelings. You can’t sleep walk through life. We need to have a little bit of that chubby freshman in us. Fuck it; the fucking bus should be there and you should expect to have a seat everytime.

All I want is what’s coming to me…all I want is my fair share.

“Search, oh wow I don’t know, the history of US treatment of Native North Americans. Lets just see, you know? Be bitchy!”

Have you seen the commerical for “The Priests” singing Christmas songs? I was always scared by the sound of monks or priests, really anyone who has a special relationship with God singing. Sometimes in grade school we’d go across the street for church and even the priest singing”Ahhhhhhhmeeeeennn” was creepy. I wonder if in priest school they have you take chanting/singing classes? I wonder what priest school is like? I wonder if they have spring break where they go on like special God cruises or something? Common sense tells me they do.

I don’t think we’ll ever find out what is wrong Tom Cruise, A Rod and Madonna; they’ll always just be crazy ass rich ass people.

Usher and his wife are expecting their second child in the next year. Their first child was named Counter Person and they expect to name this new child, Assistant Night Manager.

Some giant asshole bought a Light Saber for over $300, 000 today. I don’t want to get all “There are starving people in Africa on everyone” but c’mon! No one has money for shit! Pizza shops can’t sell pizza with toppings, Baskin Robbins hasn’t sold a double scoop sundae in months and this loser is spending 300 grand on a fake sword from the fake future. Star Wars geeks are the worst people alive. “Oh but the movie has a great messgae! You can do anything if you have faith in your ability!” It is a movie about aliens, little monsters, fish type beings, Indiana Jones before he was Indiana Jones, a scary man in a black suit that all fight eachother with swords of light…and fucko has to buy one so he can show it off to his wizard, dragon, space war jerk off friends. Don’t get me started…don’t!!!

 Sure the Yankees bought CC Sabitha and they overpaid…I know…I know. However, no retarded Red Sox fans or Hermitlike Met fans can say shit. Both of those teams have plenty of very important players on their teams that they bought with blood money. Yanks in 6.

It is hard for anyone to play with a frisbee and not look like a complete failure. I mean the thing is pretty much designed to make humans look foolish…kind of like Ed Hardy tee shirts. What is that game called that is supposed to be like football played with a frisbee? You Bronx Science Fonzanoons should know. Anyway we saw a group of McClouds playing that shit while we leaving our blood on the ice (it’s not actual ice…it’s a street hockey rink but come one, you know?) and it really made you feel bad for the poor bastards.

Hummus isn’t that big of a deal. Can we all agree on this? Sure it tastes good on a cracker or some flat breads but we need to take a step back and face the facts.

The worst way to find out you have a hole in the bottom of your shoe is by walking in the rain.

I watched some of the Britney Spears special on MTV and I really hope she makes a full on comeback. She had a rough year. She can comeback and be just fine. I think anyway.

It turns out that a bouncer wasn’t going to let Plaxico Buress into the club because he had sneakers on. It all makes sense now. I know I’ve wanted to shoot myself in the leg after something as tough as that. While we’re on sports here, Stephon Marbury? I wish there was a way to punish you for all you’ve done. Maybe like make you get a giant tattoo of a failed sneaker design on the side of your hide or something?

Dec 10th 2008 is going to be “A Day Without A Gay.” ( http://daywithoutagay.org/) What does this mean for America? I’ll tell you what it means:

-Cafes with Brunch specials will go under.

-Chapstick sales will plummit.

-Liza Minelli records will sit untouched by soft, silky hands on record store shelves.

-The sound of kd Lang and Elton John arguing about who looks more like a bloated fairy will cease.

-Sales of diet cherry 7-Up will come to a screaching hault.

-Magnolia employees will have plenty of time to do those sudoku puzzles that they seem to love so much.

-Sales of Boston Red Sox merchandise will drop 300%.

-Clay Aiken will get locked in a dildo factory “by accident.”

-A quiet wind will blow over softball fields everywhere.

-NPR will be nothing but classical music after Leonard Lopate and the car guys leave the studio.

-Metalica and Alicia Keys will not play a chord or sing a note.

-Eminem will…well I guess he’ll still be pretty quiet. We haven’t heard anything from him in awhile. Aren’t you excited to hear more rap songs about his mother, daughter and ex-wife? Did you know he was the first person to: a) have a troubled childhood, b) a rocky relationship with a girl and c) have a child that had a major impact on his life?

-Jose Reyes will continue pretending to be straight so he’ll try to play it cool but he’ll really be taking part in the strike.

-Ellen will stay home all day with Portia DeRossi…which I would do to.  http://images.askmen.com/galleries/actress/portia-de-rossi/pictures/portia-de-rossi-picture-1.jpg

-Barbara Streisand’s heart will stop beating for 24 hours. She will not be dead; in fact she’ll come back 100 times stronger!

-You’ll be able to us the restroom in South Beach without having your ass feel like a pin cushion.

-I will not write a blog.

I’ve been watching The Hills for at least 6 weeks now and I have had it with Spencer. In tonight’s episode he uses his Nana as some sort of power move to make his sister feel gulity. I can only assume he is being nice to her for some sort of money or something when she dies. There is nothing positive about him and I honestly have no idea why Heidi still wastes her time with him. Apparently they got married in Mexico? Come on, Heidi! You have a funny shaped head but you could at least find a guy that doesn’t suck so hard, so often.

Then there is Justin Bobby (nice name, fucko) who is dating Adriana, who is just so awful it is beyond words. He’ll go days and sometimes weeks without answering her texts or calls and she continues to allow this to go on. He is clearly spending time with other women. He also calls her “Dude” like whoa. Adriana, please find love somewhere else. I suggest at bars or clubs.

In Canada, many people have been taking up a new activity. It is called Meteor Hunting and it involves walking around looking for meteors that have landed on Earth. Canadians are doing little to nothing to help improve their reputation with the rest of the world as worthless virgins.

It is much more crowded in Manhattan in December.

I feel like I should mention Led Zeppelin because of the title of this blog. I will; but only to mention that they blow.

I feel like less and less people refer to homeless people as “bums.” People should bring “vagrant” back. I’m bringing vagrant back…yeah.