areyoulistening

Listen, it is really great that you do not eat meat. It is good to know that something does not have to die because you want food. But please…you are more than just what your diet consists of. You are a whole human being! You like movies and music; you laugh at comedy and cry when others have to suffer. Live a little!

Being around a vegan kind of makes you feel like your spending time with a very religous person or someone trying to get you to buy into a pyramid scheme.

“Hey man, whats up?”

“Not much; you wanna grab a bite? Maybe at the local gril and tavern?”

“I do but hamburgers are made from baby cows hearts and mixed with the tears of their mothers.”

“Ok…lets…just get…like…ice cream.”

“Yaaaay! The product of rape!”

“Oh…how about like, peanuts? Are nuts okay? Do the shells cry when you crack them?”

“You are so insensitive to everything I feel, every second.”

It can wear a body down. Keep doing what you’re doing; I wish I could do it (sort of). Just take it down a notch. I’m sure bloggers were saying the same thing about Jesus when he blew up. You know he is cool and all but can be a bit preachy. I’m sure they wanted to just hang out sometimes or whatever but he would always start in with the “Love thy neighbor” stuff so they never really got a chance to know each other. And what happend to him? Do I have to remind you? Sure he is livin’ large now but he paid for it…bigtime.  Do not turn this into a campaign built around your point of view. No one likes a Mr. Know It All or a lil’ Miss Sassy Susan. Like I said, keep it up but chill out…you little nerd.

Is there a more lonely feeling than being alone in an airport after a long weekend in Las Vegas? If there is, I don’t want my worst enemy to feel it…okay, yes I do but still…I sat at a bar in the McCarren Airport at 10:15 on Sunday evening sipping a beer that was going down like microwaved thumb tacs while reading the New York Times. I am not mentioning the fact that I was reading the Times to impress anyone (God knows if you’re reading this, I’m beyond impressing you), I mention it because when you are in the soul fucking “city” of Las Vegas for any stretch of time you forget that things still go on in the rest of the world. It is similar to what happends to you when you go to Disney World, only you replace magic journey rides, fireworks and candy with bottles of impossible to finish vodka, flashing lights and thumping speakers.

I arrived in Vegas late Thursday night and left late Sunday night. You drink at night, “sleep” for a few hours, wake up four hours later, go to the pool or play cards for a few hours while having a few drinks, try to eat something (which is virtually impossible and a waste of money) and go back out at night. You go to places to have some food or a drink or because someone suggests you go there and a few hours later you’re not sure when that happend. The days coagulate like vomit on a window pane and you get these jolts of reality that make your speech skip like a record player on a city bus.

There are 99 cent margaritas, 50 cent yard dog beers and 4 dollar steaks but I’ve never had any of them. We drink 9 dollar Miami Vices, 375 dollar bottles of vodka and burgers from a place called “The Burger Bar.” I’m not bragging, I’m just saying part of the guilt one feels weighing down on them when one leaves is the amount of money spent.  

In New York, you go to a place because they have 3 dollar drafts like you just found a legitmate finanical boondoogle. Out there, it is a shit show. I’m fighting a cold that I’m sure I caught because of the way I carried myself out there. Will I go next year? If guys are going…

Here are a few things that are true:

-Sarah Palin wrote an episode of Home Improvement in 1993

-Tony Hawk cannot pronouce the word “Foolishly”

-Kenny Loggins invented blogging

-FDR subscribed to the idea that aliens would take over the world in 1986…which they did not.

-Seafood is not actually food; its an illusion.

-Peanut butter generates electricity; which is why so many children lie about being alergic to it.

-The Detroit Tigers were going to be named the ”The Detroit Dudes”

-Women who play badminton are considered legally braindead 

-The Rolling Stones know its only rock and roll but they DON’T like it

This honestly makes me nervous.

I always hated Brooklyn. From what I could gather, it was where annoying people went to live out some annoying life that involved coffee shops, stupid ass beer and people with facial hair having sex with girls that were way out of their leagues. And you know what? That is a big part of it. It attracts the kind of person that would attempt to order 3 chicken wings and a glass of water at a bar having a 25 cent wing night (This really happened).  The bar has since made it a rule that you have to order at least 6 wings. I would have made it 10 but the people that own the place are being nice about it. You shouldn’t have to make such a rule but it is the kind of thing that has to be done when your patrons are borderline braindead.

I like living here; Greenpoint is great for making everyone that lives here feel like they live in a real neighborhood. I also like that I have to share the neighborhood with the kind of people that would do something like order 3 chicken wings at a wing special. Why would you feel that, Seano? I’ll tell you why; I seem to take pleasure out of being annoyed or feeling bad about stuff that is happening around me. Some of the most fun I’ve ever had is being away in Vegas or the shore and waking up the next day feeling hungover like a bitch and complaining about it with my friends. Its kind of funny. So when some dumb shit that looks like Al Pacino in Serpico walks into a bar and asks if the happy hour special is still going on at 11 pm on Saturday night in a bar that has a Big Buck Hunter video game and is blasting some awful fucking Elvis Costello song–I can’t help but laugh.

The type of person that would order 3 wings at a wing special night is the kind of person that brings a six pack of PBR to a party and drinks 11 of someone elses Corona, the kind of person that feels like the world is their ashtray, the type of asshole that rolls their own ciggarettes…you see, they are only rolling their own ciggarettes in hopes of finding a girl dumb enough to sleep with them for doing so and, as sick as it makes me, they will find said girl.

I guess this is the type of thing that happens in certain parts of Brooklyn with Greenpoint and Williamsburg being the main trouble spots. So I don’t want to lump all the other neighborhoods into this whole idea; I just want the asshole rolling a ciggarette in the corner, with a Fanta tee shirt and Expo hat on to go fuck themselves…thats all.

So another nutball that keeps animals that are supposed to live in the jungle as pets has to deal with some sort of tragedy. Shocking, huh? Apparently this chimp was some sort of actor and therefore better behaved than your average run of the mill chimp. Well, looks like he burst that little bubble–didn’t he? He went from a Shakespearen primate to a face eating monster pretty fucking quick.

People love to say “It’s not the animals fault” and I agree. This is clearly the woman’s fault on this one. She feed him fucking cheeseburgers and wine! She said that “Travis” had just finished his lunch of cheeseburgers, french fries and ice cream when she let him outside to play (Jesus Christ). Her friend pulled up and apparently had the color of her hair changed which we all know drives chimps bananas!!! So he flipped out and started eating her face.

The woman should serve time and there should be some serious punishments for keeping certain animals as pets. What are we going to do when they make dinosaurs again? What!?!?! There will be people with God damn raptors eating cheese and crackers in their basements. God forbid we ever tame aliens…I shudder to think what an alien will do if all he eats is Wendy’s baked potatoes.

In the end, Travis was shot dead and the woman is still alive but will be missing most of her face. The chimps owner said that he looked at her like, “Ma, what are you doing?” when she stabbed him. Are you serious, lady? Do you want to know what he was thinking? Nothing! He was in the middle of eating your friends face! He was most likely thinking the same things chimps have been thinking for thousands of fucking years! Nonsensical chimpanzee thoughts. Get a fucking goldfish next time, lady. 

Guinness Book World Record for being bitches

These six ladykillers that aspired to reach only the most honorable of goals by visiting every NYC subway station in under 26 hours (the old record held by scores of homeless people) are upset with the all the paperwork and redtape that is in involved with getting into the book. The jerk on the right with the Regis pullover said, “It’s a pain in the neck. We’ve had multiple calls go unreturned.”

Yeah, like the boys over at Guinness have been chomping at the bit waiting for someone to step in and take the “Ol New York City subway” record down. They got 9 foot Chinese guys knocking down their doors, 2 1/2 feet midgets running amok over at the water cooler, frogs the sizes of dimes jumping all over the office, a 153 year old monk from Tibet smoking ciggarettes in the lobby and a guy that eats cement mix for breakfast everyday. BUT STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! Six guys that graduated from Regis rode the subway for a few hours!

I wonder how many peoples daily rountine got messed up because Brad, Rick, Curtis, Chad, Gary and Duncan got a bug up their ass to do some stupid shit. These guys brought bottled water, a change of socks and granola with them. Could you imagine getting onto a train and having to sit across from these smiling assholes changing their socks and sharing granola with eachother? There is no jury in this land that would convict anyone if they had murdered all six right there. Throw them a fucking parade, I say!

That’s not how this will end though. They will get into the book. The school will honor them and they’ll be on the news. It’s a sick world we live in where guys like this get away with what they’re getting away with. They took 546 pictures during the trip. Imagine being homeless, you’re on the train because its warm and Brad wants to take a picture of Gary and Duncan opening a bottle of champagne next to you? Jesus Christ. God help us.

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I posted this on myspace at the end of 2006 and ended up meeting some of these guys at a bar because they went to Regis with my cousin. They aren’t bad guys, I just get annoyed at the fact that they were so upset at Guiness for not dropping everything to get their little record in a book no one reads unless they’re in study hall in 6th grade.

 Anyway, two party animals broke their record this morning…so their lives have no meaning once again. Here is the link to the story:

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2009/01/21/2009-01-21_math_whizzes_shoot_to_set_record_for_tra.html

The story says they’re some kin dof math whizzes; I wonder if there is a math equation that can calculate that last time either of them saw a woman with her clothes off.

There are certain movies that I can’t seem to turn away from when I catch them on TV. It doesn’t matter if they are on USA, channel 11, HBO or Four Star Classic Hollywood Showtime; I just can’t help myself. Here are 10 movies:

Major League

I’ve loved it since I first saw it when I was 9 or 10; it showed a side of baseball I had never seen before. All the wacky shit in the locker rooms, the players going out to eat together and when Wild Thing sleeps with Dorn’s wife I can recall being very turned on. She shows up at the bar and looks great. It also set up that very tense scene when Dorn goes up to Wild Thing during that last game against the Yankees and I was all like, “Oh snap, Wild Thing did it with his wife! That has to bother him!” However, Dorn is able to put the womanly issues aside for the team and says, “Strike this motherfucker out!”Unless it’s on USA, then he says, “Strike this….guy….out!” Not quite the same ummpph, you know? “Strike this motherfucker out!” is our generation’s “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

Goodfellas

Listen, I’m not one of these ballbags that likes to act like this movie changed the rotation of Earth but I can’t seem turn it off when it’s on. Honestly, I really like Hank and I like getting pissed off at his sister when she calls from their house phone even after he tells a thousand times not to use that phone. I think the Joe Pesci character is mad annoying and he needs to be more understanding. I think he allows his anger at his height to get in the way of fully developing as a human being. In general, douchebags tend to like this movie which of course hurts my ability to take it serious.

Tommy Boy

A great movie that always makes you feel good. There are great one liners and that scene when Tommy goes for a walk after his father dies brings me very close to tears. They got the bagpipes going, his walking under the fall foilage–it’s really beautiful. If they showed this movie on a plane after a weekend in Vegas, I would go to pieces.

The Great Outdoors

This one is a little lesser known but still gets the job done. I love the part when John Candy’s son says, “While your at it Dad, you might as well blow the whole damn family out of your ass.” The scene where he eats the “Ol’ 96er” so the whole family can eat for free is awesome and so is the vomit that follows.

Goodwill Hunting

It has been on quite a bit recently and I have rekindled my love affair with this movie. Every guy that has seen this movie would love to do that shit where they roll up on those herbs playing basketball and beat the shit out of them. Of course,the night out at the bar when he first meets Minnie Driver is great; I love when he sons that dickhead that is trying to hit on her. “My boy is wicked smart!” and “Let’s go fuck up some smaaart kids!” It loses points for taking place in Boston…of course.

Hellboy

Oh you read that right…I never thought I’d like it but I saw it and loved it! I can’t stand comic book types and I have no interest in hearing about how some character was quoted as saying something from issue 46 but the timeline doesn’t add up because his mother wasn’t killed yet by the Ultraman from Mars or some shit so maybe my stupidity when it comes to comics allows me to enjoy this movie on it’s own.  It has some devil shit in it so that helped and I like his sidekick alot. Dr. Niles Crane is his voice and he is some sort of amphibious lizard type creeping jesus. Give this one a shot.

Apocalypse Now

People that swear by this movie bother me but I really dig it. I think I like war movies and this one seems to be as good as any out there (I assume Denis can add something here). All the parts when they are on the river in the boat are so fucking creepy.

The Adams Family

I saw this movie in the theater…twice and was hyped when it came out on VHS (Whoa!!!!!! VHS, remember those days!!!) I always wanted to go down to the part of the house where Gomez hid his money. He needed to take a boat to get there, for fuck’s sake! I could have done without the Hammer song (I just remembered that I owned the soundtrack on cassette tape (Whoa!!! This is quite a trip down memory lane!) Anway, the second movie was pretty hot also.

Fire in the Sky

My father took my sister and I to see this after school one day…when I was 11! Katie was 5 and needless to say I haven’t slept well since. For whatever reason, I still watch it anytime its one. The scene when he is on the UFO is bugged out, homes. Do yourself a favor and watch the greatest 90 minutes ever caught on film…okay, that is a bit much but it is good.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

I do like the Johnny Depp one but I’m talking about the one with Gene Wilder right now. I was always creeped out by him in this movie and sort of disliked how intensely ugly the kid who played Charlie Bucket was. One minute Willy Wonka was being kind of nice and the next he was almost murdering children. Life can be funny that way.

Pleated pants always make me think of shopping at some place on Central Ave with my mother as a kid. Trying on pants that I did not want and getting angry at her (Sidenote: I dreamt of demons working at the Caldor that used to be on Central Ave last night). I always feel like pleated pants are something men don’t really want to wear but they buy them because they go shopping at Sear’s or Walmart with their wives or whatever and next thing they know they’re at a deck party and are the butt of all the party jokes like this guy:

Poor son of a bitch; their isn’t much he can do besides stand there and look awkward. He’s got his short sleeve dress shirt all tucked in nice to his pleated pants and can’t help but feel like he has been set up. His wife said he looked nice but where is she now? Nowhere to be found while he has to defend his pants selection to a group of men drinking Coors Original while snacking on nacho chips and that seven layer dip from Stew Leonard’s.

 He had big plans at one point in his life, you know? Now it’s pleated pants shopping on Thursday evenings and deck parties on Saturdays. All for what? It is now or never my man; jump that fence and just go. Get in your Cavalier and just drive. Drive into the night because today it’s pleated pants at a deck party but tomorrow never knows.